The fact is that the HSTS transwoman’s dream–of finding a young, fit, handsome, financially secure, STRAIGHT Mr Right, who will stick around, will but rarely happen and a lot of broken hearts are made along the way. I know there are some exceptions and I wish them all the very best. So who is the ideal partner for an HSTS?
Most straight men will eventually want children; I don’t care what they say. This will hit them usually no later than their mid-thirties, and by and large, that’s when the fantasy ends; they go and find a genetic woman who can provide what they’re looking for. Adoption just doesn’t cut it for men, unless it’s the only recourse because they are sterile themselves.
There are men who don’t want children. Many, however, are monumental egomaniacs who only ever think of themselves. There’s no way they would give up the years it takes to love, nurture and raise a family. They’re too busy pursuing their own personal adventure. I have nothing at all against men like that (although they are often insufferably shallow) but any transwoman should ask herself: ‘If he won’t commit to his own children, will he commit to me?’ Don’t bet on it. The chances are, after a while he’ll get bored, another cute girl will cross his path–and he’ll be gone.
Remember that these men are often turned on strongly by youth; he might love you now, but what about in ten years? Transwomen have to be really careful to manage their lives and hormone regimes or they might not age too well. Don’t be giving a man your youth to find yourself alone at 35.
Oh, and the young thrusting career pro/golden boy–forget it; he’s a variation on the above, although he may well settle and have family, since it fits with his life-plan. Everything he does is just to step up the ladder of male status. He knows damn fine if it gets out he fools with transwomen, his career is on hold, though, so any relationship with one will be in secret and subject to instant termination should circumstances require. Not a good choice.
Then there are gays. Of course, a gay man might not have the paternal instinct, and may be tough enough to deal with the other issues, but he has some other dark secrets in there, and sooner or later they will come out. It depends on the girl, but…I know transwomen who finally decided to have GRS because they were fed up of their partners begging to be penetrated…it never works and the guys always leave. They’re just interested in the dick, but sweet, hopelessly romantic HSTS pretend they’re not. If a man wants to be penetrated, he is not a good choice for an HSTS transsexual, ever.
Don’t be fooled into thinking he’ll ‘get over it’; he won’t. Men who want to be penetrated are either autogynephilic, in which case in a very few years you might be living with another transwoman — no, I thought that wouldn’t appeal — or they are closet, homophobic gays who want to be penetrated but can’t bring themselves to let a man do it. Either might make a suitable partner for an AGP, but not, ever, for an HSTS. Don’t kid yourself.
The man you want is probably older, may have kids from a previous partner, is sexually dominant and treats you exactly as he would treat any other woman. This man will have significant life experience and you will be able to lean on him emotionally, which is something that HSTS in particular seem to need to do. (And it delights men like this.)
Now I am not saying that all older men are appropriate partners for younger transwomen. The vast majority on the dedicated dating sites are either blue-sky dreamers with nothing to do but waste other people’s time, or who are too cheap to go to Pattaya and pay and think they can hook up on the down-low for nothing. I advise anyone to log onto some of the other sites they use and just eyeball the conversations. These guys don’t actually like transwomen at all…apart from one bit. They are corrosive personalities and transwomen (indeed all women) should avoid them like the plague.
There are some though
However there are some men who genuinely like transwomen and they might be the ideal partner. They usually like natal women too and see HSTS as a variation. Strictly they would have to be classified as bisexual, at least if they are attracted to non-op op pre pre-op transwomen, but they are a specific variant who is not at all interested in men. What excites them is the presence of feminine attractors — pretty face, curvy body, nice legs, soft skin and breasts — and the penis, on the same body. As is often said, they regard HSTS as ‘the best of both worlds’. Since they are often aficionados of anal sex — they would have to be — and often seek it with natal women, the fact that you don’t have a vagina is far less of an issue than might be thought.
They’re usually — but not always — older, have probably been married and crucially, their families are grown up. They are probably divorced (please avoid the ones who remain married). Their career goals have likely been satisfied. They’re conventional in bed; they’ll always be the man and their partner always the woman. They are pretty highly sexed, but this generally suits the HSTS temperament very well.
They’re polite; they’ll hold open doors, lend their hand when you step out of the taxi, and ask if you would like them to order for you. They are keenly aware of your sexuality but are also interested in your personality. They will put you on a pedestal. (Try not to fall off!)
These men tend to be educated and with a background in the creative professions, business or academia. They’re usually OK financially but not necessarily mega-rich. They can be a bit avuncular from time to time and are probably over-protective, but are so easily teased it shouldn’t be a problem. They can be unforgiving, though; these are experienced, successful alpha-males who have got pretty tough over the years. They can emotionally commit, but know when they are being taken advantage of.
If you can find one of these in good physical condition with twenty years or so of active life to come, who is tolerably good looking, supportive and likeable, without too many bad habits, then you may just have found the ideal partner. Just saying.
Think about the future — without your ideal partner
One thing I would add, since this was first written, is that if you are a young transwoman, almost certainly HSTS, involved with an older man, then you have to make sure that he makes provision for you, for after his death. If there is justice in the world, you will outlive him and while you probably don’t want to think about it, you need to consider your own future. If you have your own career or business, then that affords you security, but a lot of girls don’t. If your man wants you with him all the time, then your future is something he will have to provide for.
Personally I would suggest investing in a skill-based education (avoid the Humanities and other no-future nonsense like the plague; it’s a debt burden you will never make enough to recover from, let alone keep you in the future.) Also, and especially if you are a south-east Asian, think about buying property in your name, or, if he’s supporting you, think about getting him to buy it. If you’re in a serious relationship and have had long enough together to be committed, it’s a good option. Land remains affordable and can only be purchased by locals anyway. Property provides both of you with a stable and secure home and is a concrete asset.
That way you at least will have a roof over your head.
* this was originally written as a humorous response to a post on
The author self-describes as ‘ladyboy’ in common with most transpinays. I am not going to second-guess her. It’s a good blog, worth checking out.
If you’d like to read a hot romance about love between a man and a transwoman, The Warm Pink Jelly Express Train is for you!
Also published on Medium.