Transsexuals are people born male who are attracted from childhood to men, who then change their physical appearance to more closely resemble women. (This phenomenon occurs in females, in reverse, but that is not the subject here.) Transsexuals are naturally extremely feminine in appearance, comportment and other factors, as I have discussed elsewhere and for them, being masculine is difficult. They find life easier as women and the deciding factor in whether or not to transition is often ‘Will I pass convincingly as a woman’. People like this know that straight men are attracted to women, not to other men, and their desire is always to be the submissive sexual partner of such a man. Depending on the level of social intolerance they have to face, if they think they can be more successful as women than as men, they will follow that path.
Then, having transitioned, they do exactly what straight natal women do: make themselves as beautiful as possible in order to attract a man. Many succeed; others do not. One major step in the journey of a person like this is Genital Reconstruction Surgery, in which, in this case, the penis and scrotum are surgically modified and shaped into the facsimile of a vagina. This can have varying levels of success both in terms of function and aesthetic, but the work of the best surgeons today is remarkable. A man involved in a relationship with this person, once her surgery is complete, has no challenge to his heterosexuality. She appears to be a woman in every sense and she has a vagina. A man might meet, fall in love, marry and spend his life with a transsexual like this without ever knowing that she was actually male.
Many transsexuals do not have this surgery however, especially in Asia, and this presents an obvious conundrum: how does she have a relationship with a straight man when she has a penis between her legs?
Research done by a team led by K Hsu at Northwestern under the tutelage of Dr J Michael Bailey, one of the foremost sex researchers today, has examined this in some detail. The method the team used, however, tested the level of arousal experienced by samples of men looking at different classes of pornography. This featured men, women and ‘shemales’, which is one porn industry term for transsexuals who have not undergone GRS. We’ll call them ‘pre-op transsexuals’.
Hsu’s research is interesting, if only because it broadly confirms what observers like me already knew to be true: homosexual men are not sexually attracted to pre-op transsexuals. Of the men who were so, about half turned out to be ‘autogynephilic’, or attracted to themselves in the form of women. This is usually contracted to AGP. This is a paraphilia which, again, I have discussed many times.
(Please note that I use the term ‘transsexual’ here to mean a Blanchard HomoSexual TransSexual. Autogynephiles are not transsexual, they are men with a mental disorder. At best they might be called ‘pseudo-transsexual’. There is a wealth of anecdotal evidence that many such men will eventually become full-time crossdressers and present as women themselves, but they are not our subjects here. The definition of ‘straight’ that I am using specifically excludes autogynephilic men, irrespective of the stage of autogynephilia they are at.)
Further, the desire of AGP men in a relationship with a transsexual or pseudo-transsexual is usually to be penetrated. This immediately causes a problem with true MtF transsexuals who never, or at least very rarely, desire this, although they might do it for money or to please a demanding partner. Despite these drawbacks it does appear that a significant number of men pursuing relationships with transsexuals are themselves autogynephilic. Given that there is a known propensity for crossdressing AGP men and pseudo-transsexuals to seek out relationships with true transsexuals, that non-cross-dressing AGP men also do should surprise no-one.
What, then, of the other group described by Hsu, those men who were attracted to pre-op transsexuals but who were not themselves autogynephilic? Are they the fabled ‘straight man’ of every true transsexual’s dreams?
The problem lies in Hsu’s method, which relies entirely on reaction to visual material. Although this is useful and Hsu’s work is valuable, it gives no insight into the dynamic of an actual relationship between a man and a transsexual woman. Effectively, it is a measure of reaction to a voyeuristic exposure, not an analysis of what actually happens between two people.
This latter, as far as I know, has never been properly studied. This is probably for a number of reasons. Of these, the most obvious is the reluctance of many men to discuss the intimate details of their relationships. Another is the fear, on the part of pre-op transsexuals, of being ‘outed’, especially if they are living in ‘stealth’ and nobody knows that they are male. Yet another reason is that crossdressing AGP men constantly seek to obscure the difference between themselves and true transsexuals (despite the difference being almost always obvious at first glance) in order to claim validation as ‘transsexual’, which they are not. This can make identifying the actual transsexuals a challenge. The very limited number of researchers with a proper scientific background, an interest in this subject and the courage to enter a field which is policed by some of the most aggressive and ruthless personalities around, is certainly another.
Nudge, nudge, wink, wink
How, indeed, does a straight man even know that he is straight, if he is in a relationship with a person who retains a penis? The internet, especially its more vile sewers, is full of innuendo and suggestion that such men are ‘gays in denial’ and this is not made easier when some men even describe with revolting delight the pleasure they get from being anally penetrated by a pre-op transsexual. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, hey?
I have been my own testing laboratory for a number of years now and I have also spoken to other men and to pre-op transsexuals about this. While this is not objective science, I think the following is a fair description of what is going on.
A significant number of straight men simply do not know that girls do not have penises, during the time that they are children. Indeed, the realisation that women and girls lack penises can be deeply disorienting to boy children. After all, where did it go? What happened to it? Did they do something wrong? Was it a punishment?
Most children begin feeling vague ‘crushes’ on their future target sex from around the age of six or seven. A boy who believes that girls have penises is likely to develop a measure of erotic attachment to girls who do have penises — pre-op transsexuals. That probably is enough to explain many of Hsu’s class of men who were non-homosexual, non-AGP but still erotically attracted to pre-op TS; it most likely, along with the prevalence of non-crossdressing AGP, explains the popularity of ‘shemale’ pornography as a genre. But it still gives us no insight into the mind of a man who is really, actually, in a relationship with such a person.
A relationship by accident?
It’s possible for a man to enter into a relationship with a pre-op transsexual by accident. Some such individuals are so ‘passable’ that this is easy to understand and their celebrated beauty makes the attraction intense.
Although there are some accounts of pre-op transsexuals claiming to have successfully concealed the true nature of their genitalia for months or even years, I am dubious. For a start, the two openings, anus and vagina, feel completely different and, indeed, it is this very difference that many men cite as a reason for their attraction. Surely only the most naive man could mistake the one for the other. Then, the act of penetrating an anus is not the same as penetrating a vagina, because although close together, they are effectively on different sides of the body. Different postures and angles of penetration; well, you get the drift. And sex with a transsexual is rarely as spontaneous as sex with a woman can be, if only for the simple need for the transsexual to thoroughly clean herself prior to sex, usually using an anal douche. A woman might reasonably shower, but internal cleansing she would not do.
I must suspect, then, that these men either knew what they were doing and went along with the charade, or that they really were extremely ignorant of sex. I could see a clever girl getting away with the pretence a few times, especially if her lover were drunk, but not for long; and if the couple be living together then the suspension of disbelief all but chokes me.
In most relationships between pre-op transsexuals and men, then, we can presume that the man knows that his partner has a penis. So the next question is, what does he do with it? If he is fascinated by sucking and playing with it, then how straight can he actually be? And, of course, if he desires to be penetrated by it or likes this, he has consigned his straightness to the briny deep.
Straight men do not like to be penetrated, period
Straight men, let us be quite clear, do not like being penetrated; I am perpetually amused by the protestations of autogynephiles, both crossdressing and non-crossdressing, that ‘being penetrated feels good’. They like it because it makes them feel like women (they think) and AGPs have a positively repulsive propensity to attempt to make themselves appear normal by persuading everyone else that what they do sexually is normal and we should all be doing it. It’s not, and we shouldn’t.
On the other hand, he man might be prepared to give his partner pleasure with her dick, through manual masturbation or massage. Men like for their partners to orgasm and there can be no mistake when a pre-op transwoman does. There’s no opportunity to fake an ejaculation and men know exactly what that feels like.
Although this is certainly flying close to the line, not objecting to the existence or presence of the penis and liking to see his partner climax using it is still not over it, in the way that seeking to be penetrated would be.
Am I gay, really?
Still, any such man is likely to ask himself the same question many times: am I gay, really? Well, given that many ‘gay’ men are actually non-crossdressing AGPs, then that is a distinct possibility, but in the absence of any other autogynephilic tendencies would be unlikely. He might well be that longed-for (by transsexuals) straight man. Hallelujah.
Straight men like pussy
There is a catch, though: straight men like pussy. They do. They spend most of their adult lives chasing it and they fantasise about it all the time. You can bet your bottom dollar that any straight man in a relationship with a pre-op transsexual, no matter how much he might enjoy the pleasure of her back passage, is dreaming of what she would be like with a real cunt. Yes she is beautiful, sexy, smart, attentive, a killer dresser and so much more. But what if, when I slide my hand down that lovely belly, I encounter not a penis but the delightful softness and inviting intimacy of a vagina?
This feeling is only going to get stronger as time goes by. For years I displaced it, refusing to recognise that something so basic could b a major influence on my life with a partner. After, all, these things, gender, sexuality, whatever, were all just socialised, weren’t they? They were not real; they were subject to will and could be changed. A straight man could love a person who looked like the girl of his dreams but who, instead of a vagina, had a penis. After, all, she still had other ways of satisfying him and bless them, some do that so well.
Gender and sexuality are not socialised
The trouble is, gender and sexuality are not socialised at all; that they are is one of the most pervasive and persistent untruths of contemporary culture. They are innate and intrinsically linked. Straight men like pussy just the same as homosexuals hate it, much as lesbians hate cock; any who tell you otherwise are lying.
This puts the pre-op transsexual in an invidious position. The man she loves — and they give their hearts deeply — will one day desire the one thing she cannot give him: vaginal sex. And despite his love for her, which might be profound and real, he will be constantly tortured by his own desire, his sexuality, his need for pussy, which is not a matter of choice or ‘socialisation’ but innate and hardwired into him. He can’t help this. I know, I have experienced it.
I have been lucky enough to have had really rewarding relationships with two transsexuals alongside a couple with pseudo-transsexuals. It was obvious to me why the latter ended; these partners were really men with severe mental issues, in once case associated with Borderline Personality Disorder, which probably partly provoked her dissociation with her male reality. Of the two transsexuals, however, I could not explain my feelings of dissatisfaction until I really confronted them face to face. I loved the first of these girls very much, but she had no pussy and that was not something that I could overcome. It is a simple fact that a straight man needs pussy and all the other forms of sex — sweet though they might be — pale in comparison to entry into the Holy Grail, the sweet source of life itself. For years I refused to even countenance this possibility, knowing that it turned my understanding of my relationship to partners whom I really loved on its head.
The simple fact is that sexuality and gender are NOT SOCIAL CONSTRUCTS. They are innate and cannot be changed. A straight man needs pussy, he will always need pussy and no matter how much he might love a girl who doesn’t have one, sooner or later that particular little chicken is going to come home to roost. You can’t condition him out of it and no amount of sweet ass or oral sex will change anything.
The pressure will rise and rise and, one day, the dam will burst. The man will have sex with a real woman, with or without his partner’s consent.
When that happens, his relationship with his pre-op transsexual partner is in terrible danger. Depending on how long he has sworn off vaginal sex because she does not have one, the effect on him might be dramatic. How crushing for his partner’s self-esteem to see him walking on ‘pillows of air, on pillows on cushions of air’, unable to conceal his Cheshire-cat grin because he has once again placed his manhood inside the Holy Grail itself? Once he has accessed the fount of all life, placed his seed within it? He has communed with the Great Goddess herself, he has fucked Inanna, Ishtar, Astarte, Isis, Eve, Mary and every other avatar of her; she has taken him in and joined her to him in the ‘foetid chthonic swamp’ of the marriage — at least for the encounter — bed. In his ejaculation, his triumphant release of his spermy conquerors, he has become at once An, Horus, Gilgamesh, Perseus, St George and every other Hero who tamed the Goddess. These are not lightweight matters, you know.
Because of that, despite his attentiveness and his care for her, his deeply-felt, true love for his sweet transsexual lover, a straight man cannot, ultimately, deny his desire for vagina any more than she can assuage it for him. No matter how good she is with mouth or anus, no matter how talented in bed, no matter the sweetness her body can give, she cannot give that one thing. This is so corrosive to a relationship that it can’t survive; and this was a hard lesson learned, for one does not like to harm the innocent and one is responsible for those one tames.
The choice for transsexuals
It is very difficult to avoid the conclusion that a pre-operative transsexual in a relationship with a straight man should seek GRS as soon as she can. That way she can give him the sexual experience he most craves. That might save their relationship, but there are serious risks: if he is not straight and has only be pretending to be so, then losing her penis almost certainly means losing him. He’s only interested in her for her cock, after all. Then again, even if he is really straight, once it’s gone, the girl is in competition with every other real woman out there; and her man’s love for her will indeed have to be an eternal flame for it to survive their assault on it. There is nothing that a real woman hates more than the idea of a straight man in a successful relationship with a transsexual; she sees it as simple trespass on her property and will do her level best to break it up.
Would you want to mutilate your body, permanently and irreversibly, to find all this out?
Alternatively, a pre-op transsexual might simply acquiesce while her partner goes to a female prostitute once a month or so. Far better a professional than a friend, since that might well turn into a real affair and itself threaten the relationship she seeks to preserve. It won’t be easy for her, because every woman seeks loyal monogamy; but in the long term, her demonstration of love for him, her self-sacrifice in providing for a need that he cannot deny and she cannot assuage, might bind him to her even more tightly.
Such a solution might avoid the surgeons’ knife, for a while at least, but the corrosion done to the transsexual’s soul, in being reminded again and again that she is unable to fully satisfy the man she has given her heart to, must be really heart-rending. What will she do in the hours that he is gone from her, slaking his need for vagina in the perfumed bed of a whore? What thoughts will pass through her mind, what tears will she cry; and what will she feel when she hears again the tread of his feet outside the door?
The life of a transsexual is never easy and I am amazed that so many remain such lovely, gentle people.
Also published on Medium.